


help me when i'm down

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 18:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3458057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes koushi screws up as well</p>
            </blockquote>





	help me when i'm down

He’s fucked up.

Koushi is stretched thin lately, and he knows that it’s beginning to show: if he isn’t at university, he’s working, if he’s not working, he’s studying, and if he’s not studying, he’s desperately trying to catch up on sleep so that he can start the whole cycle again the next day.

It’s left him with virtually no time left for anything else, including his boyfriend, and that has left Koushi aching with guilt. Every time that he’s had to cancel dates or tell Tooru, _“Next weekend, I promise_ ”, every missed game and practice that he hasn’t gone to watch. He’s failing at both life and as a boyfriend, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

_He had tried, that night. He really had. Koushi had finally managed to secure a night off and had been looking forward to spending an entire night alone with Tooru, and it had been going well. They’d bought takeaway and had been watching an old sci-fi movie, one of Tooru’s favourites, and cuddled under an old blanket. Koushi had been leaning against Tooru’s shoulder and Tooru had been gently stroking Koushi’s thigh._

_It had been a moment of quiet peace and perfection that Koushi hadn’t felt for a long time._

_Everything had been fine until Tooru had commented that he missed spending time like this with Koushi, to which Koushi had apologised and promised that he would try to free up some time. He had hoped Tooru would be feeling content enough to leave it at that, but somehow he had forgotten that once Tooru had a target in sight, he was absolutely relentless._

_Tooru’s voice had been light-hearted enough as he commented that “Ah, but I’ve been hearing so much of that, Koushi. Are you hiding something from me?”_

_He’d immediately laughed and pushed at Tooru’s arm, “and what would I be hiding from you?”_

_“That’s up to you to tell me, isn’t it?”_

_“It’s just work. Work and study. That’s all,” Koushi had murmured, hoping again that would be enough for Tooru to just drop it._

_It wasn’t._

_“But so much work, Koushi! What is it about that tiny, smelly little cafe that you find so appealing?”_

_“It’s not that bad, and it pays well. That’s all,” he’d sighed, and then tried to distract Tooru. “Come on, let’s not talk about work. We finally have some time together; it’s the last thing I want to even think about.”_

_Tooru had appeared to finally let it go for a moment and had sat back against the couch, and Koushi had quietly breathed a sigh of relief. Until-_

_“...well, that’s not exactly my fault, is it?”_

_He had felt the tension in Tooru now. There was no joke or lightness in his tone, only a quiet statement._

_“Tooru....”_

_“I mean, it’s not like I’ve been the one cancelling plans.”_

_Koushi had frowned, “That’s not fair. It’s not like I want to, and you know that.”_

_“Do I?” and Tooru had pulled away, shifting to sit on the end of the couch. He had looked intently at Koushi and while he hadn’t looked angry, not quite, he had been very clearly not happy. “It’s the same excuse over and over. You have to work, you have to study.”_

_“Well, yes. Yes, I do.”_

_“You can’t expect me to believe that every time you’ve cancelled it’s to work. You cannot possibly be working that much.”_

_Koushi had felt his blood pressure starting to rise and a dull ache growing behind his eyes. He was tired and he didn’t want to fight, and he hadn’t understood why Tooru was insisting on picking a fight. “Are you saying that I’m lying?”_

_He had intended for his tone to be softer than it came out, he winced when it came out sharp as a knife. Tooru had flinched but hadn’t backed down; after all it wasn’t in his nature. “I’m questioning what it is exactly that has you so fascinated with that little cafe.”_

_“What? What else would it be besides work?”_

_For the first time Tooru had dropped his gaze, and had started picking at a fraying seam in the blanket. He somehow had managed to look even tenser than before, and Koushi truly hadn’t been expecting the next words out of his mouth._

_“That manager of yours sure does seem to take a lot of interest in you, doesn’t he?”_

_“Tooru.”_

_“Well!” Tooru had cried and lifted his head to look at him again, “What else am I supposed to think? You’re spending more time with Kojima-san than you are with me!”_

_“You’re being ridiculous,” Koushi had snapped, and this time he had perhaps meant the words to be as harsh as they sounded. “I work because I need to, Tooru, I don’t do it for fun and I certainly don’t do it to hang around Kojima-san who has a girlfriend.”_

_“As if that had stopped anyone hitting on you before. And again, lots of people work but not that much. That doesn’t make any sense, why would you need to work so much? The rent on that shitty apartment of yours can’t be that much-“_

_And that had been it. Koushi didn’t remember exactly what happened next, other than him shouting at Tooru that ‘not everyone was born as lucky as you, I’m sorry that I have to pay my own way on that ‘shitty apartment of mine’, I’m sorry that my parents aren’t rich to just pay for everything like yours’ and Tooru looking utterly shocked and reaching for him saying that wasn’t what he meant, he was only worried-_

_And somehow Koushi had found himself slamming the door to Tooru’s apartment behind him as he’d left, and then on the long train journey back to his own place late at night, and then finally home in his own tiny apartment._

*

He hasn’t spoken to Tooru since that night. The shame and guilt of snapping at his boyfriend is too great, and he wants nothing more than to call Tooru and apologise for the neglect and the distance and the fight.

He knows what Tooru had been trying to say. That he misses Koushi, that he’s hurt that Koushi has cancelled so many plans, that he’s worried and upset that Koushi won’t talk to him about whatever it was that’s troubling him.

Perhaps if Koushi had tried to talk to him earlier, Tooru wouldn’t have started out so abrasive, and if Koushi had only stopped to try and explain himself and apologise-

But, Koushi thinks miserably, apologies surely only go so far. He can call and he could apologise for hurting Tooru like that and promise that he’ll devote more time to his funny and smart and lovable boyfriend...except he knows that it’s a promise he will break, and he doesn’t know how to fix that, and it makes him sick with guilt.

He groans and slumps over his desk, which is covered in piles of text books, paper and pens. Burying his face in his arms, it occurs to him that he is _exhausted_ , he can’t remember the last time he had more than maybe five hours of sleep.

He wonders what Tooru is doing right now, and his chest aches.

There’s a loud, abrupt knock on his door that makes Koushi jump and bolt upright in his chair. It’s past 11.00 in the evening and he can’t think of who would be visiting him at this time on a Wednesday night, unless-

Koushi pushes himself off his chair and quickly steps over to his apartment door, mixed feelings of cautious joy and relief and dread filling him. He isn’t sure if he was ready to see Tooru or not, but if his boyfriend has made the decision for him, then he will need to deal with this right now.

He exhales and nimbly unlocks the latch and opens the door, wondering what kind of face Tooru will have when he sees him.

Except it’s not his tall and handsome boyfriend on the other side.

“Iwaizumi-san?”

The dark haired man _glares_ and it’s enough to make Koushi flinch. He thinks that it is little wonder Iwaizumi has always been the one to control Tooru when he’s at his silliest and wildest. That glare is _murder._

He is glaring and he is _tense_ and his words are short, clipped and direct, “Are you going to dump him.”

Koushi has lost his footing in this conversation and it’s barely begun. “What?”

He’s pushed aside as Iwaizumi stomps into his apartment, sitting down on Koushi’s old second-hand couch, still visibly tense. He waits for Koushi to close the door and follow him, still scowling as the smaller man uncomfortably perches himself on the opposite end of the couch.

Iwaizumi doesn’t even wait for Koushi to respond to his first words, he is clearly a man on a mission. “So, are you going to dump him?” He must read the stricken look on Koushi’s face and somehow manages to make his glare even fiercer. “What? It’s what the idiot is thinking right now. I’ve had _three nights_ of listening to him bawl and wail on the phone, and that’s not even including the fucking text messages, asking me what he did wrong and how he can fix it, and why are _you_ ignoring him. So. Are you going to fucking dump him, Suga?”

“ _No._ I would never-“

“Then what the hell is going on? Why aren’t you talking to him, why is he crying at me, and jesus, Suga, why do you look like shit?” At that last question Iwaizumi’s eyes soften just a little, and the clipped, angry tone shifts to something more concerned.

Koushi lets his shoulders slump. He’s so tired, sad and embarrassed that he’s now dragging his boyfriend’s best friend into this mess he’s created. He needs to fix this, _now._ “It’s not an excuse, I know it’s not, but I’ve been busy. I didn’t mean to leave him alone, I really didn’t but...”

“But?”

He sighs. “I just don’t have enough hours in the day. I’m working two jobs to keep this place and myself in school, I can’t keep on top of my studies and I’m in danger of falling behind. I try to make time for Tooru, I do, but it’s impossible.”

Iwaizumi is silent, so he keeps on talking. “He deserves all the time I can give him, I know that. He’s doing so well with the team and I feel like...” he has to stop for a second and inhale, because putting these feelings and this _tension_ that’s been building for so long into words is making his throat hot and his eyes prick with tears, “...I’m dragging him down.”

He rubs tiredly at his eyes and is grateful that Iwaizumi doesn’t say anything immediately.

When the other man does speak, his first words are, “Christ, Suga, I didn’t think you were as dumb as he is,” and Koushi laughs despite himself.

Iwaizumi snorts at Koushi’s sad little giggle, and carries on, “He’s not an idiot. I mean. He is, but he’s actually not, and for fuck’s sake, he’s _known_ something’s been wrong for weeks. All I’ve heard about is you not calling or texting him, or ditching him.” His dark eyes soften again, just a smidge, and he mutters, “He thinks he did something wrong.”

Heart dropping at this, Koushi shakes his head, “He didn’t. He did nothing wrong. This is....this is my issue.”

“Glad we’ve got that sorted out. Now,” and he’s leaning forward and there’s a bizarre half-scowl, half-grin on his face, and again Koushi understands exactly how it is that this man keeps his boyfriend in line, “...how are you going to fix it?”

*

Tooru is uncharacteristically subdued when he lets Koushi into his apartment the next day. There’s no boisterous greeting, no giant hug or big smooch, he’s not leapt on the second that he walks in.

 Instead he gets a quiet, “Hello, Koushi” and a quick kiss on the cheek, and for the first time in a long while Koushi can’t get a good read on him – he looks tired and that makes Koushi feel guilty as hell, but other than that, he doesn’t know if Tooru is happy or furious at seeing him.

He doesn’t want to put Tooru through anymore worry – god knows he’s done enough of that – and so he pulls on his hand to lead him over to Tooru’s couch. He sits down and tugs on his boyfriend’s hand so that he knows to do the same, and decides to immediately get into it.

“I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I shouldn’t have neglected you. I _should_ have spoken to you, but...”

Tooru picks up on the brief pause in Koushi’s words, “But?”

 “I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Didn’t want to.....Koushi, you idiot. I’ve done nothing _but_ worry for _weeks_ now; did you think I didn’t know something’s wrong?”

“Well...”

“Of course I did!” Tooru shouts, clearly offended at the thought that Koushi thinks his boyfriend could be that oblivious. “You don’t call or text me, you cancel our dates. You don’t come to practice or my games anymore...” he breaks off and looks away.

Koushi didn’t think it was possible to feel anymore guilty than he already does, and yet here he was. He reaches over and puts his hand over Tooru’s, and says quietly, “I’m sorry.”

There’s a quiet sniffle, and a muttered, “...you said that already.”

“I suppose I did, didn’t I. Alright, then”, and he inhales before pressing forward, “Things aren’t good right now.”

Tooru turns around so quickly and looks so stricken that he hastens to add, “Not with you! And not us, that’s....that’s the one good thing I have right now.” Explain yourself, talk to him, he tells himself. “...they cut back my hours at that cafe, and I’ve been struggling, Tooru, I really have. You know that I picked up the second job, and the money is a little better now, but I have to work so much that I don’t have time for study. I’m falling behind on my classes and I can’t catch up....it’s not good.”

He moves the hand that’s over Tooru’s to slip under it, and gently squeezes, silently appreciating when his boyfriend squeezes back. “I’ve been so stressed and worried, I can’t sleep, I haven’t been able to see you. And I truly didn’t want to worry you, not when you’ve been doing so well with the team...but that didn’t work, did it?”

Koushi has been looking down all this time at their joined hands, and it’s only now that he dares to look up, to see what kind of face his boyfriend has right now. And the second that he does look at Tooru’s face, he’s immediately wrapped up in the taller man’s arms and being squeezed so tightly that he squeaks.

“Stupid, stupid Koushi,” Tooru mutters while pressing his face into the smaller man’s neck, and Koushi is sure he hears just the hint of tears in Tooru’s voice.

“Probably,” Koushi finally smiles and returns the hug just as fiercely.

“ _Definitely._ Stupid Koushi who is so good at taking care of everyone else, but never takes care of himself.”

“Well, that’s...”

“...the truth. I don’t care about anyone else, but you take care of me and that means I get to take care of you as well. Don’t worry, Koushi. We’ll fix it.”

And Tooru is saying this with as much passion and conviction as anything he’s ever said on the court, and Koushi believes him. He sighs and leans in closer, and relishes in his boyfriend’s warmth and comfort.

*

It’s later and they’re in bed. Koushi lies facing Tooru, who has a frown on his face and appears to be thinking something over.

He reaches over and traces his fingers over the frown lines on his boyfriend’s forehead. “What are you thinking?”

Tooru reaches to gently take hold of his wrist and pull it away, and kisses his fingers. “I was thinking that I want you to move in with me.”

“...what?”

A dramatic, over the top sigh, and Tooru keeps on, “That tacky little apartment of yours is _tiny_ and it’s too far away. I keep thinking one day someone is going to mug and kidnap my precious Koushi, and that would be terrible.” He shifts so that he’s resting his head on his hand, smiling down at the other, “...you won’t have to worry about rent since as you pointed out every so nicely the other day, my parents own this place. So you won’t have to work at that crappy little place with that manager who keeps _looking_ at you. And I _miss_ you when you’re not here, when you’re a thousand miles away in that crappy little closet of an apartment.”

Koushi wants to say yes, so very badly. It’s an offer that’s almost too good to be true; surely it can’t be that easy. “But...are you sure? That’s a big step, I don’t want to impose on you; I could try and find a place that’s a little closer to here.”

“Don’t you dare!” Tooru pouts. “I was thinking about asking you ages ago anyway, except a certain Refreshing-kun was too busy _ignoring his wonderful boyfriend_ to be around to _ask._ ” He shifts so that he’s over Koushi now, gently pinning his wrists on either side of him, staring down and smiling. “I’m very sure, and I won’t take no for an answer. Just so you know.”

Koushi finally smiles, and it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off his chest. “Well, in that case, yes. Yes, I’ll move in.”

And Tooru looks downright triumphant as he leans down to kiss Koushi sweetly, moving away after a moment to excitedly whispers, “We’ll be like _newlyweds,_ Koushi! You can cook for me and I can cook for you and we can take baths together and I’ll wash your hair, and you’ll be here _every_ morning and night...” there are _stars_ in Tooru’s eyes now, and Koushi can only smile.

“I suppose so, but you would have to get rid of that weird alien statue before I move in, you know.”

He laughs and kisses away Tooru’s scandalised face and murmurs, “Joking, joking,”, and brings his boyfriend down for a deeper kiss.

***


End file.
